Dom Davis (The Blog)

There is a field we pass on the train journey between Cromer and Norwich. Actually there are many fields, but the particular field I am thinking of has things going on in it. Constructiony type things. Initially I thought the array of frames and what looked like pipes was for some über irrigation system. This turned out not to be the case. Turns out it’s a ruddy great big solar array. Not entirely sure how much power it’s going to generate as we start our slide into winter but I’m guessing someone’s worked out it’s viable. Couple that with the huge offshore windfarm and North Norfolk is getting very green.

There is an unmarked building by the railway line north of Norwich, by the DVLA test centre and near Makro. The only signs outside are 5mph speed limit signs. It’s surrounded by twin fences, there is an ‘airlock’ gate system and cameras everywhere. The only vehicles I’ve ever seen in the compound are white, unmarked vans and I’d love to know what it’s for. I’m guessing it’s some kind of warehouse, but for what? Answers on a postcard please.

5 years ago today I quit smoking. I remember it very well. I’d been reading Alan Carrs “The Only Way To Stop Smoking” which, despite being fantastically annoying to read, did seem to work. I was walking back from a hospital appointment in London and decided “I don’t need to do this any more”. Now you hear stories of people just deciding they would stop smoking and do so and, up until then, I found the stories fantastically annoying. Prior to this I’d tried to quit some 4 billion times and would often manage no more than a few hours. There’s no way it was going to be as easy as just deciding not to do it any more… except it was.

That one act was the first step in making some pretty big changes in my life, changes which culminated 2 years and one day later when I was called into a meeting room and informed that I needed to go home, get paid for doing nothing for 2 and a half months then get 10 months pay in one go, almost tax free. Redundancy for me was a happy time. It’s when I met The Zozo, which lead to the final big change in my life… leaving London, getting married and starting a family… and I can pin it all down to putting out a freshly lit fag on Cromwell road, just before lunch 5 years ago.

Over the past couple of day or so I’ve had a niggle. The specifics and details of the niggle are unimportant. Suffice to say something was bothering me and I couldn’t quite work it out.

Last night I had a very lucid and, for me, completely unbizarre dream where nothing very much out of the ordinary happened. It did, however, provide me an answer for exactly what was bothering me. Which was nice. Best of all the way round the niggle is simple: do nothing. If only the rest of life were that easy

In completely unrelated news I had a slight daydream this morning as I finally put the recycling bin away about sawing up the bin store and burning it. I think that, in conjunction with a shiny new bin store, will bring me happiness and joy.

It occurred to me today that, as far as music is concerned, I’m a bit of a polyglot. While the vast majority of my music is in English (or just instrumental), there’s a load of other languages in there too, including:

• German – The Germans seem to be very good at Industrial, most famously with Rammstein. I’ve even got tracks sung in German by the German sounding Hanzel und Gretyl who are in fact American. Everything just sounds harsher in German
• Spanish – Nowhere near as many tracks as those containing German lyrics, but there’s a fair few tracks, mostly from South American bands (Brazil seems to spawn the odd seriously heavy outfit every now and then). While I can speak pidgin German thanks to much of the music I listen to I have no idea what most of the Spanish is.
• Latin – For someone into fairly extreme music I seem to own a fair amount of classical music. Oh, and Enigma. All of which amounts to quite a few tracks.
• French – Less numerous still and mainly due to one artist: Jean Michelle Jarre. There’s a sprinkling of French words in other tracks, mainly from the 80′s it seems.
• Romanian – Not so odd if you think about it. One track (well, three, but two are remixes). A guilty pleasure that I’ll let you work out for yourself to spare me the shame
• Russian – Ironically enough this is thanks to Rammstein, a German band. One track that I’m aware of, and that only has it in the chorus. There is also the mad take on Korobeinki (the Tetris theme tune) done by Eisenfunk, although that is instrumental
• Elvish – Lord Of The Rings Soundtrack. ‘Nuff said.

I think that’s it (I’m not sure what languages the Gladiator Soundtrack uses, but I’m guessing I’ve got them covered). I also never know if The Cranberries break out the Gaelic or not, or if that’s just her wailing a bit.

If we’re really going for it the album Zoolook, by Jean Michel Jarre includes samples of some 50 different languages (most distorted beyond recognition), including some very bizarre ones, but that feels a bit cheaty.

Oh, I also have one album that has a Greek title, but that’s just Ministry dicking about. Everyone just calls it Psalm 69.

I lost a glove yesterday. This is probably a deep and meaningful metaphor for something which, hopefully, will have a profound twist when I locate it tonight in the Lost Property at Morissons. I’m not interested in whatever fable not finding my glove has to say.

No doubt today’s single carriage train is also an allegory for something, although I suspect it’s simply trying to say that, no matter where you live, or how much you pay, the train companies will stiff you. They’ve made up for it though with two conductors¹. No idea why, they’re going to give up checking tickets in two stations time due to an inability to walk down the carriage as it’s having to hold enough people to fill a train with twice as many seats. The fact that I would usually have my ticket checked already by a single conductor working a two carriage train tells you something about ease of movement at the moment. At least I’m not stood up, or worse, sat on the floor in the vestibule like I had to do from Colchester. At six times the cost of my current season ticket for only an extra 10 minutes travel time (albeit on much longer, faster and more frequent trains) there was a definite lesson to be learned there.

So what does all this mean? Well for me it means I get to bitch at you lot. If you want anything more deep, meaningful or profound then you’re looking in the wrong place. I could suggest turning to the lyrics² of songs which, currently, are informing me that “No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world” and that “Even the smallest person can change the course of the future”, however, be warned, they could have just have easily informed you that “I am not your dad! I am: Electric Man!”. You makes your choice and you takes your chances.

Footnote

I’m not even sure where to begin with just receiving an email saying @diabetesfacts³ is now following me on Twitter and what that is trying to say. Dealing with lifes troubles by consuming vast quantities of refined sugar is, as far as I’m concerned, a key tenant in my life philosophy and not something that should be questioned. To them I would counter with one of musics most profound statements: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter⁴.

¹ I think one may be in training. There seems to be a lot more in the way of detailed announcements which serve little point and I’ve never seen the second conductor before. I suspect today’s lesson is “how to deal with a rammed train full of annoyed people wanting to know where the extra carriage is”. You kind of have to feel sorry for him.

² So technically samples in this case rather than lyrics, but that’s just the nature of the particular genre of music I like. The point, such that there is one, remains valid. If we were going to wait for actual sung lyrics (bearing in mind we’re on random here) I’d be advocating “Just one fix” which is probably not a good life strategy.

³ Link withheld because, deep down, if we search our souls, we know said person is just fishing for follows, a spammer, phishing, trying to peddle something or all of the above.

⁴ Still on random, what can I say? Although if we’d waited 30 seconds or so it could have been something very profound⁵

⁵ Suicide Commando, God Is In The Rain. Google it if you’re interested but be warned it’s not quite as pro religion as the title might at first suggest. We are, after all, talking about a man that wrote the album Bind Torture and Kill which is inspired by Dennis Rader (also see the film BTK), to which we can only ask: Annie, are you OK? Are you OK? Are you OK Annie? (Alien Ant Farm version)

On my incredibly long¹ wedding to-do list was ‘get haircut’. Seeing as how Larry, my barber, had said I should get my hair cut two weeks before the wedding to allow the hair to settle and, seeing as how it is two weeks until the wedding, I decided I should toddle into town and get said task completed. There were a few other things I needed to do in town too so it seemed the sensible thing to do.

Getting my hair done these days is a quick and cheap affair. It’s your traditional barbers insofar as you pitch up, wait your turn, have a quick chat while your hair is trimmed, pay, leave. Job done. Hair done I needed to tick another item off my list³ so I ventured further into town, only to remember that Cromer during the off season doesn’t really open until 10 (or 11 in some cases) meaning I needed to kill a bit of time until the shops I wanted opened.

Whilst wondering about I passed, on a couple of occasions, a man who has some form of physical disability which required him to walk with a stick. The disability was such that he has to walk slightly sideways and with a swagger which was reminiscent of the type of walk effected by African American pimps in the 1970′s. All he needed was a white suit, platforms and an ivory cane and no one would know it wasn’t being put on.

Another errand to run was the posting of something for one of my many many step mothers. Said something was in a padded A4 envelope and contained a slimline CD jewel case as well as some A4 bits of paper which, under the Post Offices new simplified pricing system, was obviously going to require me to get it weighed and measured to work out the postage. The Post Office clerk applied the measuring tool to ensure it fit within the dimensions of a Large Letter, weighed the item, checked it’s destination and added these and countless other factors into a pricing algorithm that determined how much I was going to pay. After payment was made a new king size type of stamp was then put into the printer, the information printed onto it and the stamp applied to the letter. It makes you wonder how we used to cope when we had to find and fish out a first class stamp and apply it to the letter at home and then take it to a post box.

Errands done it was time to head home. The weather was such by this point that I could simply relax and have the wind blow me home. There were a couple of occasions where sudden gusts caught me unawares and my bags nearly felled other pedestrians or swiped cars. I think I managed to get everything home in one piece.

¹ and by incredibly long we, of course mean short, and by short I mean now has 3 items² on it
² and one of those items is ‘turn up’
³ I can’t tell you what this item is as it’s a surprise for The Zozo which will no doubt drive her nuts as it’s sitting (wrapped and concealed) in the bedroom ready to taunt her for 2 weeks until she can open it

Dear Camelot,

If you note your financial records for the past 12 months or so The Zozo and I have been furnishing you with regular payments via direct debit to enter into your Lotto games.

You may also remember that, according to the terms and conditions, that if millions of us promise to give you money you promise to randomly distribute some of that money back to us in wildly disproportionate amounts. You also promise to give some of it to charity so you look good while you promise to keep the remainder to line your pockets. Good scam, wish I’d thought of it.

Anyhoos, we feel that we’ve been rather missed out in terms of receiving our share of the winnings having netted one (1) £10 win while playing. I can’t remember if we play the same numbers, or random numbers each game (you’ll have to check the account) but if you could see to it that we win the jackpot tonight that would be super.

Love and kisses,

Dom and Zozo

As part of the preparations for our forthcoming wedding The Zozo and I have been ordering various things from the internetwebs. One item had to be specially imported from the US (which was good fun in itself since the company in question only shipped to the continental US and wouldn’t take international credit cards. Thank God for postal forwarding companies) and needs duty paying on it when it’s finally delivered.

On Wednesday I got call from the DHL Indian call centre telling me my package would be arriving Thursday and would I be ok to pay the driver cash? I told her I wouldn’t be in and nor would anyone else. This didn’t phase our call centre worker who immediately proposed Friday as an alternative. Still no good, I told her, we won’t be home. This prompted confusion and she enquired as to when someone might be home. I tentatively suggested Saturday knowing full well that would not be an option and was promptly told as such. In the end, due to my audacity at not wanting to take time off at short notice it was decided that they would attempt a delivery on Thursday and when that failed I could rearrange it for a more convenient time or destination.

Now obviously I’m missing something here. Given the surprise at there being no one to receive my item perhaps there’s some simple option I’ve missed. Clearly this has never happened to them before. If it had then I’d be allowed to organise a time there and then that didn’t fall into the next 48 hours. Or maybe suggest an alternative address on the phone. No, they have to attempt a delivery that is guaranteed to fail and then, and only then, can we proceed.

While perusing the App Store last night I discovered Dragons Naturally Speaking dictation app which was available for free download. Given typing on the iPhone keyboard isn’t the fasted of input methods (although it’s pretty good given the size of the keyboard) and considering entering any kind of HTML is a complete sod (yes, all those links, the foot notes, all that stuff I have to painstakingly enter by hand, just for you) I thought I would give it a go.

Apparently it works like this: You install the app, you dictate your text, it fires that off to a server somewhere, that converts it to text and the app presents you with said text.

What really happens is you fire up the app, it fails to connect to the server even before you’ve managed to do anything, you give up, write the blog the old skool way with keyboard and thumb. Hey ho.