I have a lot of books that have been purchased over the years to aid me in my job. Sadly these weighty tomes tend to go out of date rather quickly which means I had a bookshelf full of very expensive, very obsolete books that I was a bit loath to get rid of. As part of the great eBay-off that The Zozo had before Willow arrived we (or rather she) tried to sell some of these books. Rather unsurprisingly she had limited success. Since the space these books occupied n the bookshelf has been claimed by other things, and since I’m not going to just put them in the loft to languish for eternity we’re putting them to the only use left: heating.
That’s right: I’m burning books!
Now, before anyone gets on their high horse just remember we tried to sell them and they really are of no use to man nor beast – unless you happen to be stuck writing code a decade ago. They also require special arrangement in the fire otherwise they don’t burn so well. I’ve found the best way to squeeze every BTU out of them is to place some eco logs underneath them, put the book in open half way and face down, and then more eco logs on the top. Because of this I call bullshit on the scene in “The Day After Tomorrow” where they’re burning books in the fireplace for warmth (yes, I’m aware the entire film is free and easy with the science and the facts, but we have verifiable proof here) as they don’t burn that well without an external fuel source.
A few weeks ago our dishwasher died, deciding it was far more fun to perform the first 1 second of the wash cycle, then pump itself out, beep and flash error lights at us than it was to actually work. The result was us calling out an engineer who looked at it and declared it written off as by the time we’d paid for parts and labour it would be cheaper to get a new one. Arse.
Normally, if I were to go out clubbing, I’d pick a night where The Zozo was working on the Sunday. The reason for this is simple: I like to spend days that we both have off with her, not negotiating the tortuous route home from London that NXEA constructs for you on any given Sunday and then dying. There are two bands who, if they were playing live, would cause me to make an exception to this rule: Modulate and Grendel.
Annoyingly I discovered Modulate were playing at the Slimelight New Years Eve party. Even more annoyingly, New Years Eve falls on a Friday so there will be a double slimes. Friday night with the New Years Eve party, then Saturday night for the normal gig. This kind of thing wont happen again for well over a decade.
Still, tempting as it was, I wanted to spend New Years with my new wife and since she was working both New Years Eve and New Years Day there wasn’t even the option of convincing her it would be a great idea to come clubbing too. Besides, in theory I was supposed to be recovering from my procedure which would not be conducive to clubbing.
So those were my options for new years: clubbing with cool bands, or spending a quiet night with my gorgeous new wife. Not what I would call a bad set of choices and a decision that should have been very easy. As it turns out I shall be doing neither. When I say The Zozo is working New Years Eve, I mean all of it and she’s over at the zoo looking after the place for the night. I, on the other hand, continue to be ill and am languishing at home in my death bed. So I shall be spending new years alone. As will she. Bum 
The area at the front of Little Cottage is little more than a gravel drive giving access to the houses past ours. Getting a car up it is impractical so we use our bit to store the bins, hang the washing out, keep pot plants and, recently, somewhere to keep The Zozos bird table.
The bird table is a rather neat arrangement of large bird bath below and bird house and feeding area above made to look like it’s made from greening metal. Since it’s not actually made from metal it’s only really meant for smaller birds and not, say, pterodactyls. In fact the box clearly states “Unsuitable for larger birds, pterodactyls, dragons or other wyrms”1.
Yesterday the bird table clearly suffered pterodactyl strike (can’t have been a dragon, there’s naff all room for them to manoeuvre and a complete lack of scorch marks) resulting in the loss of a fat ball and serious structural damage. This is not good. Replacing it is not going to be easy either. Clearly the new one will have to be able to withstand extinct creatures but there is also the local environment to consider.
The geography outside the front of our house means that when it’s windy we get serious gusts of wind. Enough to rip washing from lines, blow over clothes horses and knock over fully grown adults1. Clearly whatever we buy must be stable and easy to fix in place. Which leads me to the next problem.
The gravel drive sits on about 1″ of soil which in turn sits on a substrate of diamond1 which makes putting fixing things into the ground very hard. I bent all the metal fixing pins on the other bird table trying to drive them into the ground.
Of course, as always, the Internet will prevail and I’m sure we’ll find something suitable.
1 True story2
2OK, maybe a little exaggerated