I have a lot of books that have been purchased over the years to aid me in my job. Sadly these weighty tomes tend to go out of date rather quickly which means I had a bookshelf full of very expensive, very obsolete books that I was a bit loath to get rid of. As part of the great eBay-off that The Zozo had before Willow arrived we (or rather she) tried to sell some of these books. Rather unsurprisingly she had limited success. Since the space these books occupied n the bookshelf has been claimed by other things, and since I’m not going to just put them in the loft to languish for eternity we’re putting them to the only use left: heating.
That’s right: I’m burning books!
Now, before anyone gets on their high horse just remember we tried to sell them and they really are of no use to man nor beast – unless you happen to be stuck writing code a decade ago. They also require special arrangement in the fire otherwise they don’t burn so well. I’ve found the best way to squeeze every BTU out of them is to place some eco logs underneath them, put the book in open half way and face down, and then more eco logs on the top. Because of this I call bullshit on the scene in “The Day After Tomorrow” where they’re burning books in the fireplace for warmth (yes, I’m aware the entire film is free and easy with the science and the facts, but we have verifiable proof here) as they don’t burn that well without an external fuel source.
So todays little escapade meant that by the time The Zozo and I got home the supermarkets had closed. Given I had intended to go shopping during the day it meant there wasn’t any food in the house for our valentines meal so takeaway was the only option. Valentines day dinner was a nice romantic candle lit kebab and chips for two in front of the fire. On reflection we did feel that it needed garlic bread to make it a truly magical meal 
It’s occurred to me that perhaps it might be cheaper, less hassle and slightly less dangerous if I were to spend 99p on a bag of Morrisons finest kindling. The thought occurred to me as I was trying to get a fire load of hand sawn [my step-father doesn't trust me with the table saw] green wood to light with the use of two fire lighters, a paper starter log and half a can of lighter fluid. The current crop of wood is so wet you can actually hear it hissing as it burns. It’s fine once the fire is actually going as the heat soon gets rid of the moisture, but that initial bit of getting it going could do with some nice, dry, easy to burn wood. Don’t get me wrong, it’s huge fun sat there spraying lighter fluid onto an already lit fire and watching the flames leap about [for as long as the lighter fluid is applied, all too soon it's burned off and the flames die out] it’s just I don’t want to get it wrong and be sat there two hours later going “So I was trying to light the fire with some fire lighter…” to the local fire brigade
Our little cottage is heated, in the main, by a wood burning stove. We get our wood from the Zoo (offcuts of the timber used to build the place) and have, until now, been burning stuff that was cut and stored a couple of years ago. The nice dry wood ran out recently and we’ve moved onto bits that have been on the ground for a couple of year and that have only just been cut and stored which means getting the fire going can be fun.
Normally I can get a fire started with 1 fire lighter but recently I’ve had occasion to use 2. Today I started with 1 and the fire promptly went out. As I only had two fire lighters left I thought I’d leave nothing to chance and put both of them in, relit the fire… and watched it go out again.
Given I didn’t fancy heading out to the shop to get more fire lighters I decided to try something else and see what we had in the house that was flammable and good for starting fires. The first thing that sprang to mind was nail polish remover, after all the side of the bottle does say ‘CAUTION EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE’.
Anyway, I liberally sprinkled some over the fire lighter box, put that in the fire and the chucked a bit more of the nail polish removed over the wood in the fire, applied the lighter and…
WHUMP!
When the say ‘extremely’ they mean it. There was a 2 foot diameter fireball, bits of ash blown about the place and a roaring fire in the stove (and out of the stove for a few seconds while some of the spilled nail polish remover burned out).
Tomorrow I’ll get some more fire lighters and spare my eyebrows