An open letter
Dear visitor to Norfolk,
Welcome to our county. Please note that, just like the rest of the country, the speed limit is 60mph on single carriage way and 70mph on a dual carriage way unless otherwise indicated. Speed limits are always expressed in miles per hour, not kilometres per hour. With this in mind if you are thinking of visiting our fair county and plan to drive at a constant 20 miles per hour under the speed limit when driving conditions are fine We would kindly ask you to fuck right off. Seriously, piss off to Cornwall or something. We really don’t want you here. You’re annoying and your inability to drive at anything remotely like the speed limit is dangerous because the long queue of cars behind you (and it’s a very long queue now, you bastard) get more and more desperate to overtake and take more and more risks. And the risk taking is not just to get past you, we now so pissed off with you that we don’t care if our overtaking manoeuvre ends with us piling into an oncoming car because the resulting fiery ball of death with take you out as well and we will be heralded as heroes by those stuck behind us and you will be dead, which is an end that is too good for you.
Learn to drive before I’m forced to drop the C bomb.
Love and kisses,
Dom (currently a passenger with The Zozo who is currently stuck behind some prat with low profiles, tinted windows and an inability to drive over 45mph. My next car is having missile launchers)
This also applies to ASDA lorries who have the afront to say on the back of them “For your safety we are doing piddling miles an hour”. Not my safety mate – I’m trying to overtake you thus taking my very precious life in my hands, not to mention all other road users in the vicinity. Why don’t you really say “To save money and thus give larger dividends to our shareholders I am going veeerrrry slooowly. I don’t actually give a (please insert any word that comes to mind) about you” which is probably nearer the truth and would not piss me off quite so much as the patronising message you actually carry.
Yes, the whole ‘for your safety’ thing is totally bogus, although I think it would wind me up slightly less to be stuck behind a lorry that is going slowly because some pen pusher somewhere has told them to go slowly rather than being stuck behind a car which is going slowly because the driver is a complete moron.